


Reminiscence

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Episode Related, Gap Filler, Points of View, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-09
Updated: 2004-12-13
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:39:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin thinks back on his times with Brian while watching him sleep.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

The king size platform bed was illuminated by only slivers of light that snuck through the blinds. Justin lied there watching Brian’s chest rise and fall in a calm, constant cadence. Justin was usually the first of the pair to fall asleep, but the drugs the doctor prescribed for Brian’s pain made him drowsy. Justin traced his fingers down and around the sling Brian was forced to wear due to his broken clavicle. He mused on how he loved those arms. They were soft and supple, but also strong and protective. It was where he felt at home, wrapped up tight, forgetting the world outside of Brian’s embrace. Justin still marveled at how many nights he had spent in those arms. More than any other man, he was sure. Brian moved slightly, almost imperceptibly. Justin knew he was dreaming, he only shifted when he dreamed. Justin raked his fingers delicately through the unruly ‘just fucked’ hair on his lover’s head. They had just finished a passionate sex session not thirty minutes prior. Justin already missed having Brian inside of him. Justin’s eyes soaked in the gorgeous sight before him and he wondered how he could leave. How could he go to Hollywood for six months when he hungered for the man to the right of him already? It had only been a half hour, how can he go a half-year without those arms around him? Justin’s eyes began to tear and he didn’t care. How had it come to this? Why did their ‘relationship’ always have to have a twist or turn in the road? Why did the gods or whoever the fuck, have to keep challenging them to round after round of emotional Olympics? Thinking back to how far they had come, Justin remembered the times that they had sex, fucked, and made love...


	2. Reminiscence

God, I really didn’t know anything. Brian showed me the way though, throwing me in the deep end. I like to think that I swam pretty fucking well. I can remember the second he first entered me- excruciating pain mixed with undiscovered pleasure. We got into our rhythm quickly. I felt like our bodies molded together, fit perfectly. It was as if we were made for one another. He kissed me so passionately; I never wanted our lips to break contact. In that moment, I didn’t care if I ever breathed a full breath again; as long as he was kissing me I was sated. 

The thing is- I was well aware of the fact that I was gay. But, I never imagined that it could be like that. It was as if I had just been baptized into this new life, a life filled with possibilities, the possibilities of pleasure, acceptance, and love. There were so many things to learn, to master. Brian was an excellent teacher, of course. Sometimes I wonder how he got so good, how he became the legendary fuck that he is. I know that practice makes perfect (and he has had plenty of practice), however it is more than that. Brian’s primal instincts and overwhelming sexuality are intoxicating, and I love being drunk on Brian.

He went slowly, very gently thrusting deeper inside me (I didn’t realize how tender he was until he really fucked me into the mattress a week or so later). I felt like my skin was humming and could burst at any second. Every time he pushed in farther, it seemed like the wind had been knocked out of me. And I couldn’t get enough of it. I wanted more. I became insatiable, starving for him. I began pushing harder back onto him and initiating kisses, hungry, gnawing kisses. More, more, more. I looked up at him as he rocked us to ecstasy. His face was stunning, slightly twisted in pleasure. He seemed lost in another world, lost in me. Yet, he was hyper aware of his surroundings and me. He grabbed my dick with his hand and began stroking it in time with his thrusts. I marveled at the synchronicity and his ability to send shockwaves through my body with the slightest caress. I came first, so loudly that it surprised him. His eyes fluttered open and he grinned wickedly at me. That grin was quickly replaced with a gaping mouth and thrown back head. He came almost silently, a simple grunt and moan.

He collapsed on top of me, crushing onto my heaving chest. And, again, I didn’t care. I wanted him there, forever. A minute later, he pushed himself up with his arms at either side of my body and stared at me intensely. I couldn’t look away; I was locked in his gaze. For the first time, I noticed that his eyes were not brown, as I had earlier concluded. They were dazzling, captivating. Little flecks of brilliant green swirled with chocolate brown to mesmerizing perfection.

He got up off the bed and removed the condom that I had secured on him and tossed it in the trash. I watched his every move, searching for a sign of what to do next, because I felt like couldn’t move without his permission. He walked to the kitchen and retrieved a bottle of liquor and returned to the bedroom. I wanted to say that he probably didn’t need any alcohol; after all he was already tweaked out. He took a long swig and offered me some. I refused politely at first, but then thinking better of it, I reached out my hand for the drink. I took a sip and coughed at the burning sensation down my throat. Brian watched with amusement and chuckled slightly. It was not a mean laugh, but a laugh just the same, and it made me blush. He sensed my embarrassment and quickly asked, “You wanna see a trick?” I nodded vigorously, happy to have the attention turned from my inexperience with booze. He looked around for something; I had no idea what he had in mind. He jogged into the kitchen again. He stopped in the middle of the living room, well within my view from the edge of the bed. In his hands he held three green apples. Tossing the fruit up in the air one at a time, fumbling them more than catching them. I looked at him strangely as he attempted to juggle. One of the apples dropped to the floor and another quickly followed. He caught the third and chopped down on it. His little circus act wasn’t done though. He took another bite out of the apple and threw the remaining core on the floor, not caring where it fell. Then, without an explanation, he did a handstand, butt ass naked. His feet found their way back to floor rather well in his drugged out condition, he looked back at me with satisfaction. I found it incredibly endearing and cute. I guess he could see it on my face and told me to come over to him. 

My body moved of its own accord, like it was puppy returning to the sound of its master’s voice. I walked up in front of him, a little self conscious because I was still naked. Brian, on the other hand, was completely comfortable with his nudity, it was as if he knew what effect it had on men and he wanted to use it to his advantage. All my modestly went out the window once he began kissing me again. Rapture took over my mind and my cock once more. He pushed me over to the sofa, but instead of sitting on it gracefully, we knocked it back and into the coffee table. But, neither one of us stopped, we kept dancing around the room clumsily, knocking over miscellaneous items on our way. Our mouths never broke, we swirled around each other’s mouths, searching, craving for something. We finally tripped over an overturned lamp and landed hard on the floor. We found our way back to the bed somehow and he took me again and again and again. After three hours, we both passed out due to sheer exhaustion.

I was on sensory overload. I wanted to remember every stroke, glance, smell, flavor, orgasm, sound, smile, hard labored breath… everything. I thought that if I could collect enough information, I could replay it whenever I wanted. I didn’t really sleep that morning. I would catch ten or fifteen minutes at a time, but I never went into full REM. I watched the man next to me, in his deep slumber. I fell in love with him a little more every minute. I kept hearing his words over and over in my head, “I want you to always remember this, so no matter who you’re ever with, I’ll always be there.” In that place and time I thought, ‘I never want to be with anyone else’. At the time, I didn’t realize how profound his statement was. He really was there when I was with other men. Even if he wasn’t at the front of my mind, his technique was there. When I top other men, I almost transform myself into Brian. I copy his timing and intensity. I sometimes even find myself sounding like him when I come. 

When Brian woke up to the buzzing of the alarm clock, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach flutter at a frenzied pace. Even though I had only known him for several hours, I was already apprehensive about snuggling with him. But, I just thought, ‘fuck it’. I rolled slightly over and put my arm across his chest. When he reciprocated, I was elated. Then, Brian broke my blissful moment. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I was so surprised at the question, I let out my first response, “You said I could stay.” I knew that he had taken some E the night before, so I clung to the hope that his amnesia was hangover induced. Of course I had no idea who I had just spent the night with. Maybe if I had known his reputation, I wouldn’t have fallen for him. However, I am certain if I had known, I never would have pursued him so relentlessly. I never would have snagged my beautiful partner.


	3. Reminiscence

When I arrived at Brain’s loft that late afternoon, I was so horny I could barely keep my dick in my pants. I rang the buzzer and called, “It’s Justin.” into the intercom. He buzzed me in without hesitation. I literally ran up the fights of stairs to his apartment door. It was unlocked and slightly opened. I entered and scanned the loft for him. Brian walked out of the bedroom wearing only a pair of Levis with the first button undone. He looked incredibly sexy and I felt my cock twitch at the sight. I said, “Hey.” but he only nodded in greeting. I tossed my bag on the kitchen stool and walked toward him. He passed me and snatched a bottle of Jack Daniels from the bar. He took a swig straight out of the bottle and put it on the counter.

He crossed over to me and grabbed my bulge. I gasped at the sudden contact and was instantly hard as a rock. He undressed me quickly, silently. I was completely naked in a matter of seconds. I undid the last of the buttons on his jeans and slid them down his legs. He stepped out of them easily and suddenly his mouth covered mine in a lustful kiss. We made our way to the bedroom, never breaking the kiss. He pushed me back on the bed and pounced. I let out a little giggle; I had never remembered a time when his need for me was more evident. He flipped me over on my stomach and reached for the supplies. He rolled the condom onto his erection and squirted the lube onto his fingers. He worked them inside of me, leisurely stroking his way within. He probed me further, but still gently. I writhed beneath him, lost in pleasure and frustration. I wanted his cock in my ass, not his fingers. I was getting more irritated and my horniness had reached record heights. No matter how much I squirmed, he kept his torture going, little by little relaxing my hole. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I don’t know where it came from, but I just yelled out, “Fuck me!” I had never ordered Brian to do anything up to that point. I was too afraid to command, so I always asked politely. Okay, I always begged like a prisoner on death row. But, this time, my carnal desires overthrew my courteous demeanor and I let go. 

He snickered at me, getting the reaction he wanted I’m sure, and pulled me up so that I was on my hands and knees. He taunted me only seconds more, then removed his fingers and I whimpered at the loss. He positioned his body against mine, leaned forward and bit my ear and whispered, “You asked for it.” He then slammed into me without warning. My head flew back and I screamed loudly, more from the surprise than the hurt. He was ramming into me with hard, long thrusts, fucking me wildly. I thought I would implode with each impact. His timing seemed to be the exact same as my quickening heart rate. We finally came, it was hard and explosive and I stopped breathing for a full minute. My knees gave in from the force of my orgasm and I fell to the mattress, taking his dead weight with me. 

After our breathing returned to normal, he pulled out of me slowly. I rolled over and announced, “I’m starving.” “What else is new? You eat more than any other living being.” Brian stated matter of factly. “Whatever.” I replied with an eye roll. I got off the bed and carefully walked to the kitchen because my ass was a little sore. I opened the stainless steel refrigerator looking for something editable. To my surprise, I found Brian’s to-go box that I had tried to switch with Michael’s earlier. I opened it slightly and saw that only one bite had been taken out of the sandwich. I remember thinking how upset Brian must have been over his falling out with his best friend. He really did love people, whether he wanted to admit it or not. I just hoped that one day I could make the list and be a permanent, welcome fixture in his life, like Michael. I closed the door, not wanting to breech the subject quite yet. I opened the freezer and noticed a pint of Micro- Batch vanilla ice cream. All of a sudden a light bulb went off in my head, I know how to get Brian Kinney to eat. Sex. 

I removed the container and searched for a spoon. Brian had peeled himself off the bed and trudged into the kitchen to grab his previously abandoned bottle of liquor. He strode over to the chaise lounge and plopped down. “Want some?” I hedged, taking a spoonful into my mouth. “Do you have any idea how much cardio I’d have to do to work that off?” Brian asked as if he were astonished by my offer. “What if you were to do cardio while you ate it? It would just cancel out, right?” Brian raised an eyebrow as I made my way to him. I straddled his thighs and dug into the pint of the frozen treat. I fed it to him slowly and he ate it with a smile. I fed the next bite to him more playfully, dribbling some of it on his chest in the process. I passed him the container and spoon. I slurped the creamy white substance from his body and worked my way down. 

Much to my delight, Brian continued eating. I could feel his erection throbbing beneath me and I looked into his eyes, almost asking permission to continue. He fed me my own helping of the ice cream and bucked his hips to urge me on. I kept some of the cold food on my tongue and took his dick into my mouth. The cold, sticky texture mixed with my warm mouth made him gasp. I licked up and down his shaft, fittingly like an ice cream cone. Moans reverberated in his body and it only enticed me more. As I began to take him deep into my mouth, I peered up at him to find him still eating. At the second I sucked hard just around the head of his cock, he threw his head and arm back, cleaning the spoon in his mouth. His left hand weaved through my hair and down my back. I sped up the pace and he exploded in my mouth. To me, it tasted better than the ice cream. 

I pulled my head up and sat straight, still on Brian’s thighs. I reclaimed the ice cream and spoon from the panting man beneath me. When I looked to take another bite, I noticed that about three fourths of the pint had been consumed. His body calmed as he came down from orgasm. I ate a few spoon fulls, and then found his eyes. “One spoonful left, you want it?” “Naw, it will just mean ten more minutes on the Stairmaster.” But, I urged him on, “Come on, I want to see you lick it off the spoon.” I can remember it so clearly, when he gave into me and ate it. I knew it was time to talk about exactly what he didn’t want to talk about. He tried being cynical and evasive, but he actually ended up opening up to me about Michael. At the end of our tryst, he tried to toss me out, but I told him the truth. “You can’t push me away, I’m on to you.” That day I really got into his head. We shared a moment of actual intimacy, something so illusive in our relationship. I still marvel at it.


	4. Reminiscence

A jilt of memories flooded over me while I stood on Mel and Linds’ front stoop. It was like a tremor stunned my body.-- I have a flash of Brian in a tux, then him frantically calling my name. I feel the contact of the bat on my skull. -- I stumble back in real time. Brian steadied me, wrapping his arms around my quivering body. He insisted that we go back home immediately. I tried to tell him I was fine, but I wasn’t and the words never left my mouth. 

I can barely remember the ride home or getting into bed. I must’ve slept for hours because it was dark out after I arose. I saw Brian shutting off lights in the kitchen. I sat up and watched him cross the loft to the bedroom. He looked a little worn and dare I say, scared. I had never remembered seeing him like that before. “Better now?” He asked almost hesitantly. “Uh huh.” I confirmed. I really did feel better, my mind wasn’t reeling and my fatigue had lessened. He sat next to me on the bed and confessed, “You really freaked me out.” I was taken aback by the revelation. Brian Kinney freaked out? “You?” I asked incredulously. “It was like you got hit all over again.” He looked even more worried with that comment, and then I began to form my newly recalled memories into words. “I remembered walking away and suddenly hearing your voice call my name to warn me. You never told me that. You tried to save me.” I wanted to know why he hadn’t divulged this information; he was the one who said it was important to trigger my memory. Why did he keep it a secret? What purpose did it serve? “I guess I forgot.” There was the Brian Kinney bullshit I know. I decided not to call him on it directly. I scooted over to him a little more, wanting to show him that it was okay to be close to me. “Good thing one of us remembered.” I said with a smile in my voice. 

I leaned in and kissed him. It was one of the gentlest kisses we had ever shared. It wasn’t lustful or wanton, instead it was innocent and coy. But, as with any kiss with this gorgeous man, it left me craving more. Maybe I wanted more of the demure sweetness that the kiss brought, or maybe I just wanted to feel sane again; kissing Brian always brings out some kind of mad sanity in me. So, I began to unbutton his shirt, wanting to see more of his skin. Brian’s body was like an undiscovered country, new and unseen. In that moment, I felt as though no man had ever laid eyes on him before and he was completely untainted by the world. 

However, when I opened his shirt further a small gleam of white silk caught my attention under his denim collar. I pulled on it gently. Then, Daph’s words echoed in my mind-- “He was wearing a black tux and a white silk scarf.” Me pulling on the scarf as I walked away from the Jeep. -- I slid it the rest of the way off of his shoulders. It was splattered with blood, my blood. Had he worn it all this time? What did that mean if he did? How deeply had this affected him? I asked my ten million more questions in a ten second span. I felt as though I were removing the albatross from around his neck. The everyday reminder of all of the guilt from the bashing, I stripped it away. But, he looked ashamed for having worn it. He stared at me for a few seconds then turned away, too blocked off and humiliated to face me anymore. I laid the scarf on the side of the bed and moved closer to him. Our faces almost touched now, our bodies too. I put my hand on his stomach and whispered, “I want you inside me.” He glanced up at me, worry still on his face. “Are you sure?” He asked after a beat. “Yeah, just take it easy.” I replied. I knew he wouldn’t be harsh on me and he had never hurt me, without my consent anyway. And then I heard his next words and my heart fluttered in realization. “Like the first time?” It was our anniversary, one year to the day that he popped my cherry. I smiled at him softly and took his shirt the rest of the way off. 

We kissed cautiously, like teenagers on a first date. I unbuttoned his pants and he removed them. He removed my shirt, but only after I nodded to him that it was all right. We kissed again and again. And little by little, we became reacquainted with each other’s taste and tongue. Lips spread more easily and teeth and gums were explored in depth. It was as though I breathed my first real air since the attack. I melted into his body, just like I used to. I finally pulled away from our lip lock. I took his face in my hands and gazed deep into his hazel eyes. With my stare, I was trying to tell him what I couldn’t tell him with words: I’ve missed this, I love you, don’t be scared to touch me, make love to me. I kissed him again and released his face. 

I moved my hands to my underwear and removed them; he copied my actions by removing his own briefs. I sat there for a second, enjoying the breath taking sight that is Brian. He lay on his side with his back to the blue lights that were mounted over the bed. I lay in front him, my back to his body. He seems to need more reacquainting with me. He kissed my shoulders and back, tasting and lingering where he wished. I turned my head around to look at him. He put his arm under my head and intertwined our fingers. Brian rubbed up and down on my side from my rib cage to my hip. We broke the kiss and he reached for the condom and lube, but his hand never stopped petting my side. He slipped the rubber disk on and generously lubed himself and me. He looked over at my face, continually checking on me to make sure I was fine. He gripped my hip and locked our fingers together as he penetrated me. He did not begin to thrust until I pushed back on him slightly, signaling that I was ready. He pushed into me giving me time to adjust, offering me a little more with each pass. 

I felt safe and protected, something that had been elusive to me in the past two months. It was so normal being with Brian and all the emotions came back to me. Having him inside me was natural, but something was different. Not bad different, just different. Then I realized that Brian had read the pleas in my eyes and in turn, he was making love to me. He went slower than he had even our first time. I relished in the sensuality with which he kissed me. His hands felt like satin on my skin. The man who took pride in leaving me bow legged for days was now being the most tender, kind lover. He began stoking me slowly, in time with his thrusts. He made certain that I came first. Only after he was sure that I had orgasmed and was okay did he let go of himself. He came so silently; it couldn’t have been more than a heavy exhale. But, it was as if he was pushing out all the shame and guilt with his breath. Afterward, I slept in his arm, as he would say, all wet and sticky. That was the first night in two months I didn’t have a nightmare.


End file.
